JD's Top Ten Mitch Hedberg Jokes

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Here's my Top Ten Hedberg jokes. He's the coolest, ever. It was hard to whittle the list down. As Mitch would say, "These are the jokes I thought of today."

10. I wanna be a race car passenger: just the guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep goin' in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide. . .

9. I think Foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-kabobs. Foosball f'd up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several, simultaneously with two other guys that look just like me.

7. An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs . . . Sorry for the convenience."

5. People associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy and say, "That fucker eats cake! He is on bunt cake." Mothers sayin' to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

4. I got into an argument with a girl inside a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Thhhwp Thwp (that's a zippering sound) Fuck you.

3. I mumble a lot off stage. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walkin' with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me so he'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me. So he says, "What?!" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm sayin'. But now I'm yellin', "THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!"

2. I think Big Foot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Big Foot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get outta here!"

1. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends it's busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say "Dufresne, party of two. Table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if nobody answers they'll say it again, "Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they're go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit! Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help . . . Bush, search part of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenses.