Interpretive Math was meant for 8th graders

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This page is dedicated to my Columbia College math class. Why dedicate a page to a math class? Well, this was the biggest joke of a class I have ever taken. My friend Erin from Math (see, I met her in that class, hence the "from Math") and I collected numerous interesting Math Facts throughout the semester. At some point, we decided to document these facts so we would not forget them. After all, when you take "Interpretive Math," anything can happen.

The class was actually called "College Mathematics." In reality, the most difficult thing we did in that class was information I covered in the first semester of my junior year of high school. So much for college.

The homework in that class counted for 3 points each week. We had 3 tests, excluding the final. The teacher took the top 2 grades. I think those tests were worth 100 points. Then we had the final, which also was worth 100 if memory serves.

For the third test, I did a little over half and then just turned it in so I could leave to catch a train. I still got a better grade than some people in the class. The class wasn't hard; those people are just idiots.

The class was also very hands-on. We often got toys to play with, such as shapes and rulers and these plastic strips that made sweet swords. We also got to cut things a lot, so a mess was a frequent consequence of our math class. (Reminder: I took this class in COLLEGE. C-O-L-L-E-G-E!!!!) The most important aspect of Interpretive Math was the math Erin and I learned. That's where the math facts come in (and also why we dubbed the class "Interpretive").

Addition. Our kind teacher taught us new methods of adding all the time. The first thing to know is that you can never be certain about the rules of math. The concept is very much derived from Hume, actually. Here is an example:

That's right. You always just assumed 2 + 2 = 4. But is that really true? Sure, it SEEMS like that's the case, but EH EH! All we can be sure of is that 2 + 2 is close to 4. There are no guarantees with Interpretive Math.

Mrs. Miller was very skilled with Interpretive Multiplication. I'm still not clear on the rules, but all I can give is an excellent example:

Don't ask. Really, I have no idea. Erin and I contemplated asking a question about this equation, but we knew that our simple minds would never be able to comprehend such a complex subject. If anybody is familiar with Interpretive Multiplication, please let me know how it works. Thank you.

Even though we haven't fully grasped the concept of Interpretive Multiplication, let's move on.

The = sign is the sign we take for granted the most in math. In regular mathematics, X = X, 2 = 2, Lindsay Lohan = Orange, alcoholic slut. It's very simple. But Interpretive Math? Don't be silly. In the world of Mrs. Miller's classroom, the = sign takes on new meaning:

Oooooh. See, the world of Interpretive Math has no order. Pigs fly, J-Lo makes a good movie, and 135 = 125.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Self-defense in a math class? Wha wha What?!" Exactly. You see, Interpretive Math does not just teach the basic concepts of numbers and equations. Oh, no! With Interpretive Math you get:

Swords, knives, clubbin' objects, etc. It's all located within Interpretive Math. Your plastic strip surely has some mathematical significance, but more importantly, if your classmate tries to steal your counting M&Ms, you can beat her with your plastic strip. These are life lessons, people. LIFE... LESSONS!

You thought all the Native Americans were either slaughtered or turned into alcoholic casino owners, didn't you? Nope. Sorry. That's not true. You see, not only do the helpful toys such as plastic strips provide for Self-Defense, a Native American that wanders into Interpretive Math can make Tomahawks! In case you're not sure what this would look like, I drew a picture:

While we didn't actually see a Math Injun in our class, the tomahawks we made were sure signs that this rare tribe does indeed exist. That's something you won't find in any history book.

Yeah, I know, you HATE word problems. We all hate them. Don't give up on Interpretive Math. You've made it this far! Now, the exact problem is not important here, but the message behind it is. If you have painters painting a house and the goal is to determine the time it takes them to paint the house, one needs to know the constant. Well, some people might say the painters, or the rate of painting, or something mathematical like that. NOPE! Only one student was able to get to the heart of this problem:

That's right. The house doesn't change! It doesn't move. It's just there. It's constant.

An important aspect of all math is the ability to measure objects. Inches, feet, yards, miles, etc. (Or, if you're a fan of the metric system... screw you). In Interpretive Math, an important lesson was measuring other classmates. That's right, I learned how big Erin's head was. She learned how big my... arm... was. Shut up. That joke was just right there, I had to make it.

Anyhow, the clever measurement tools also allowed us to measure one thing nobody has ever thought to measure: NOSTRILS!

Ever wonder how big your nostrils are? Who hasn't?! These types of lessons are the true gems of Interpretive Math. Knowledge you can't find anywhere else is RIGHT HERE.

I think that speaks for itself. Now, if someone could just tell us why we thought "Irv Carlman" would be such a hilarious name for Erin if she was a dude, we'd be all set. I hope you enjoyed my brief overview of Interpretive Math. If you are interested in taking this course, sign up for "College Mathematics" at Columbia College-Chicago and make sure your teacher is Mrs. Sue Miller!

Special Thanks to Erin from Math for the creation of this page. She was wise enough to transcribe the most important lessons on her folder so the wisdom can be shared with everyone.